I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
