She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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