so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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