I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
