oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
