that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
