There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
whose parrot is this?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
