TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
