ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
