Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
