Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
