Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
