If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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