I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
