you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
