I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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