Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
