i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
