I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
