So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize