Kareoke will never be a sober sport
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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