I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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