All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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