I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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