when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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