I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
