I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
