i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
