If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
