I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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