So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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