living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
