mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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