your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
