You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
