the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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