i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
