if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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