If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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