I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
