Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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