i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
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