I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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