i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So vagazzling was a success
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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