his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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