My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's rum buckets o'clock
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
