Swine flu. Run for my life!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
