My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
