that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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