Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
