If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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