She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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