She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize