I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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