Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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