my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
