Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
