I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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