I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
