i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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