Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
