I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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