I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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