there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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