I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
