420 ftw
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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