Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
